Hattie Jean Hayes

I'm a writer (etc.)!

NEWSLETTER

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FICTION

• Is That All There Is?, Barren Magazine

• The Woman Who Slept With an Egg in Her Mouth, Not Deer Magazine

• The Girl Whose Only Friend Was The Sun, Yuzu Press

• OUD, Marrow Magazine (nominated for Best of the Net)

• The Assassination of William Walsh by the Outlaw Robert Palins, Medium

NONFICTION

• How to Heal a Sunburn, The Ex-Puritan

• Reginaology, PUP Blog (Meow Meow Pow Pow)

• I Saved This Postcard to Send to My Grandma, HAD (nominated for a Pushcart Prize!)

• System of a Poet, guest blog for Elizabeth Bales Frank

• Why My Mother Made Me Break Her Heart, TIME

• Linoleum's Luxurious History and Creative Renaissance, Zocalo Public Square

• The 10 Best Days of the Year (Series), Medium

• Everything I Learned About Fashion and New York City by Temping at Marc Jacobs, Medium

• Read my newsletter on Substack!

• Check out some old blog posts!

POETRY

• In Dharma Direction Newsletter

• Grief as a Thing I Keep Giving Away, Sledgehammer Lit

• Five Poems, Bullshit Lit

• Trip, LEON Literary Review

• Drunken Preparation for a Sober Conversation, Screenshot Literary

• The Obelisk, Provenance Journal

• Lexington and Concord Season, Provenance Journal

• Libra, Moss Puppy Magazine

• Ceremony, Moss Puppy Magazine

• Postcards (Three Poem Collages), Old Pal Magazine

• Covenant, Janus Literary

• All The Things I Do Not Fear, The Conium Review

• A Poem That Takes Place on September 26, Hobart

• Getting Married in a White Castle, The Daily Drunk Magazine

• Good news! I will also love you when you are a full-time snake, Bear Creek Gazette

• Things I Have Done In The Months Since Your Death (From Most to Least Strange), Bureau of Complaint (nominated for Best of the Net)

• The Morning In My Chest, Anti-Heroin Chic Magazine

• Devotion '21, Anti-Heroin Chic Magazine

IN PRINT

• Misconceptions, Belletrist Magazine

• Tornadoland and I Only Date Boys With Names from the Bible, HELL IS REAL (nominated for Best of the Net)

• Two Poems, Moss Puppy Magazine

• Poems [for, about, because] My Friends – order my book here!

OTHER PROJECTS

• Taydar Podcast

• Infinite Sketch Comedy

• Our Topic Tonight

LIFESTYLE WRITING

ORIGINALS

• I’m a thrift store pro – my favorite dress cost $1, I once bagged a coat for 50c & I have 102 pairs of super cheap shoes

• I spent $38 on Amazon products to shape my jaw, lips, and nose – two are must-buys if you’re considering plastic surgery

• I ate from the ‘slow feeder’ bowl my cat hates for a week – I lost weight but almost got kicked out of a restaurant

• I’m a die-hard Dunkin’ fan & went to Tim Hortons for the first time to compare – here’s my verdict on the coffee brand

• I wore the same Shein outfit for 10 days – it was see-through and the sweater fell apart, but I got constant compliments

• I used only baby products for a week – I smelled amazing and saved $64 but was surprised a viral hack made my skin worse

• I’m a 34DDD & tried boob tape – it lasted hours and lifted like a bra, just don’t make my painful mistake

I AM NOT A KARDASHIAN

• I lived like a different Kardashian sister each day – Kylie Jenner’s life seems awful but Khloe’s routine was relaxing

• I spent $204 on used Kardashian clothes – Kourtney’s sweater was NSFW and I know why Khloe sold her Spanx

• I tried Skims dupes from Target – I could hardly breathe in the bodysuit but saved $284 and have a new favorite bra

• I failed the ‘Skims latex workout’ – it burned calories but even a full bottle of lube didn’t save me from the pain

DESIGNER DUPES

• I made my own version of YSL’s $1,890 designer takeout food bag – mine cost 51 cents and a man tried to buy it off me

• I recreated Balenciaga’s $1,800 ‘Lay’s chips bag’ purse for $4.59 – people liked it better than the luxury version

• I recreated Kim Kardashian’s $1,700 Balenciaga ‘garbage bag’ for $1.65 and people laughed at me on the street

• I tried a $7 dupe of my favorite $36 blush – even I couldn’t tell the difference, I’m buying it in every color

• Target’s $20 designer perfume dupes are the perfect gift – I saved hundreds and got loads of compliments

VIRAL BEAUTY HACKS

• I tried TikTok’s viral anti-aging trend – taping my mouth gave me acne and made my face hurt, I’d rather have wrinkles

• I tried viral heatless curl methods from TikTok – a trendy hack disappointed and only one is fringe-friendly

• I tried TikTok’s viral ‘underpainting’ makeup trend – it lasted for hours but I felt like a doll and my face was stripey

• I tried TikTok beauty trends to see what worked – I’ll use the self-tan trick but the viral ‘lipliner’ was pointless

• I tried microneedling to plump my lips – it costs less than fillers but left me numb and made my skincare regimen sting

I TRIED IT: LIVING LIKE CELEBS

• I tried Gisele Bündchen’s ‘feel good’ morning routine – I fell asleep during yoga, then spent the day tired and hungry

• I tried Cher’s anti-aging morning routine – the ‘ice trick’ seemed weird but now makes sense, and I have a new obsession

• I tried Hailey Bieber and Cara Delevingne’s go-to anti-bloat treatment – for $219, you may also get farts & bad breath

• I made Bella Hadid’s viral sandwich – there was a major thing missing but I learned a valuable lesson

WHO'S HATTIE?

Hi, I'm Hattie! I'm from Missouri, I went to school in Arizona, and I live in New York. I have a book of poems forthcoming from Bullshit Lit in 2023. I love writing and comedy, and you can pay me to do both. I love karaoke and will do it for free. You may contact me here: hattiejhayes (at) gmail (dot) com